A visit from an unwelcome guest
So, this is how my day started.
(knock on the door)
Me: Hello, how are you?
Smiling Stranger: HI! I am here for your install.
Me: Hmm, I don’t think so. I have had all my cable and such finished already.
SS: Well, let me look again. Mr. Dawson, Burlingame, Ca.. birthday next month, right?
Me: Um, well, yes I guess.
SS: Great! Ok, well, here just let me get my bag in and we’ll get started.
(He shoves in past me)
Me: Hey! Wait a second, what is this all about?
SS: I told you, I am Fate, and I am here for your install.
Me: What the hell do you mean “Fate”?
Fate: I mean “Fate”, as in finger of, the long thread of time, keepers of the future and past, and in my case, installers
Me: Um, well just what are you “installing”?
Fate: Well, according to the paperwork… lets see, here it is, pretty standard stuff: pot belly, love handles, gradual befuddlement, and hey, you get a bonus, it seems your ancestors toed in the High Cholesterol package.
Me: No way.. *SNAP-ZOINK!* JESUS! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
Fate: Just a staple gun you wussy, hold still, I have to tack the pot belly in place before I get the spot-welder.
Me: What I won’t give for a Jehovah’s Witness right now. Look, what about if I join a gym?
Fate: Hey, knock yourself out. Your father worked like a mule at hard labor until the day he died, and he still had a pot belly. But Gym owners need to buy Rolex watches too I guess.
Me: Can you are least quit whistling while you do this crap?
Fate: Why? I love my job. I mean, god, we love to watch you guys getting all freaked out, and rushing about getting your hair dyed, buying muscle cars… weeping every twenty minutes. Sometimes we like to show videotapes of the real psych cases at the end of the year party. People jumping out of windows, hitting on 25 years olds and get laughed at. I mean this stuff is hysterical. You’ve been middle-aged for a few years now, you should be used to it!
Me: I am NOT middle-aged
Fate: Do the math pot-belly boy, you are way past middle aged, its not like you are going to live to 80 or anything.
Me: What??? What the hell does that mean?
Fate: Ooooh, great! Hold that expression while I get my camera, OK say “I’m depressed” *snap-flash*. Woo hoo, that’s a great one, you look totally crest-fallen. I just love that look on your face as you get the inevitable feeling of life passing you by. All those hopes and dreams that will never be realized, the loves you never had…
Me: Um *sniff*
Fate: Cool, hold still! *snap-flash*, I am going to make an 8 x 10 of that one.
Me: STOP DOING THAT, Jesus, you are a bunch of real bastards, aren’t you?
Fate: *snickering* Oh Hell yea, totally, but it is just so damn funny.
Me: Wait a minute, aren’t people like you supposed to go to hell are something?
Fate: Of course not, God likes people to be happy in their work, and let me tell you, we are a pretty happy bunch.
Me: That does make some kind of perverted sense
Fate: Yea the big boss is a real crack up that way. Hey, look, I’d love to hang around all day watching your accelerating decline, I really would, but I have to get some guys childhood sweetheart to cheat on him with their parish priest in a closet just before they exchange their wedding vows.
Fate: Man! I love my job. See you later..
Me: What do you mean “later”? When is when????
So, how was your Sunday?