A Trip To The Doctor

So, I go off to a doctor for all the usual crap, and make my return visit a few weeks later. He invites me into his office and the following conversation occurs.

So, um Mr. Dawson, when was the last time you had you cholesterol checked?
Me: Well, I don’t recall ever having it checked, I never get general check-ups.
Doc: I see, well..um, your cholesterol level is 302
Me: *Blank Look* Is that bad?
Doc: Not if you’re a can of Crisco
Me: Oh
Doc: Good grief, you are 5’11” and 160 pounds soaking wet, what do you do, go home and sleep on a mattress covered in bacon and stuffed with brie!?!?!?!
Me: *in denial* Hmm, that does sound odd… perhaps there has been a mix up?
Doc: YOU AREN’T LISTENING… this is not an error you over-rated chimp, the lab found traces of gravy in your blood for God’s sake!

He proceeded to give me a lot of guff about getting more exercise, and gave me a list of “heart healthy foods”. I didn’t bother pointing out that I considered pork chops a vegetable. I was going to suggest he join me for a stiff drink at the deep fried chicken wings place across the street, but I sensed the conversation was moving in another direction. Besides, I have noticed younger people tend to balk at whiskey and wings at 10am…. Liberal generation my ass.

On the list he gave me, things like Bacon, Steak, Cheese and Eggs were noticeably absent. Asking him if this was a typo was met with something we social science types like to call “stony silence”. That is a technical term, feel free to use it if you like. Now I take something called Lipitor. I left a message asking the doctor how long after I start taking the drug that I can eat bacon again, no response. I called back a second time and the number was disconnected. Geeze, how good a doctor could he be if he can’t pay the phone bill?

Blog Disclaimer. I will often go back to entries to make edits or clarify points. If I am changing my point of view, that will be a new entry.

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