1 APRIL 2012 (Ethnography.com Newswire) Washington, DC – American Anthropological Association Reassures Worried Nation faced with Mayan Apocalypse
In light of the coming end of the world, The American Anthropological Association (AAA) has announced its official Continuity Plan to insure the nations vital resource of cultural anthropologists remains intact during the cannibalistic orgy of violence immediately following the end of days on December 21, 2012.
According to AAA President Charles Gusmallian “Cultural Anthropology is uniquely positioned to explain the coming Apocalypse. We have a grip on the intricacies of Mayan culture, and also a unique view of how people behave when totally screwed. Psychology can’t do that, economics can’t do that, and biology can’t do that. Only Cultural Anthropology. We also have a large backlog of unemployed PhD.s Talk about win-win-win! So while people are attempting to scrape up the last radioactive morsels of food from the earth in a useless attempt to postpone their inevitable gut-wrenching death, we are sure they will take comfort in knowing the AAA will maintain a rigorous Institutional Review Board structure, not to mention connecting scientifically with the nature of Mayan gods.”
The President of the AAA Section for Prophecy Science, George Tsoukalos, said anthropologists have been working hard to pinpoint the date of the end of the world and but only recently have retrieved hard scientific evidence. The discovery that pregnant Jersey Shore cast member Snooki has December 21, 2012 as a due date adds the final layer of certainty to the prophesy. According to Dr. Tsoukalos this clearly relates to the Quatrain #12-1639 of the infallible prophet Nostradamus:
From the womb of an Eastern shore it comes
The dame suckles the wine of the thorny Cactaceae
The Destroyer is conceived in besotted tragedy
He will of orange hue be revealed in her image
Tsoukalos clarified “There is only one possible interpretation, my research shows this clearly refers to a “Jersey Shore” cast member giving birth to some form of vile unholy man thing, possibly resembling a cross between a Hobbit and a crack-addicted Oompa-Loompa with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”
Charles Gusmallian outlined the continuity plan to the national media “Prior to the end of the world, the AAA executive staff and the presidents of the various sections will be moved to an undisclosed but sacred location where they will perform sacred dances from every culture of the world until it is determined safe to emerge onto the surface. We have adequate food stores for several years along with several dozen tenure hungry assistant professors to take care of the scut work and defend the facility from the ravening hordes. Additionally, we are carrying all of the most relevant research conducted by cultural anthropologists in the last 30 years.”
Dr. Tsoukalos then chose an paper at random “Look at this one for example; ‘The Use of The Freshwater Trumpet Snail as a Metaphor for the Neo-Imperialist Dialogical Precepts of the Yanamamo Peoples Proto-Marxist Views of Post-Modern Modernity Through the Medium of Modern Dance.’ This is the kind of information people are going to need to rebuild a society.”
This announcement comes as part of the AAA’s 5th official warning to the worlds governments in regards to end of the world on December 21th 2012. The President of the AAA Section for Prophecy Science, continued: “Despite multiple warnings and our extensive public outreach using such peer-reviewed television programming such as “Ancient Aliens,” “The Nostradamus Effect,” and using AAA funding to produce the movie “2012,” people are still unprepared for the anthropologically correct end of the world only 264 days from today. Unlike those hacks at the Centers for Disease Control who believe in fanciful notions such as Zombie attacks (http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm) and social constructions they call a “virus,” dedicated anthropologists have been doing real research into the Mayan prophesy. Gusmallian closed the media event stating “Really, anything you do from here on out is pretty much futile” and shotgunned a beer.